I Wanted Him
by Sakure of Snow
Summary: . . . to want me back. Jen Kirk was in love with her First Officer, but there was nothing she could do. Can she find it in her to turn her heart to someone else? And would she be able to accept the consequences as they came?
1. To Want Me

_**I**__** Wanted Him **_

_**A Star Trek Fanfiction **_

_**This is my first attempt at writing Star Trek fanfiction and the debut story to my new account. I felt that, growing up and reaching new highs demanded that I start a new chapter with a new name. I hope you enjoy the stories; I'm no longer grasping for reviews, but rather honing my artistic skills in the ways of words. I enjoy writing it just as much as I'm sure you enjoy reading it. **_

_**Now without further ado, the story. **_

_**Chapter One: **_

_**To Want Me **_

_**

* * *

**_

My name is Jen T. Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise, and I do not believe in no-win scenarios.

There have been many scuffles and all-out battles as we encountered new lifeforms and newer planets. Some have been for the beneficial while most have been for nothing more than senseless violence. We have lost little of the crew, but even that much weighs in the mind as we press on for the sake of exploration. Just how much of this is necessary? How do you tell someone's mother, father, wife, or husband that their loved one will not be returning home? How do we come to this conclusion to serve the federation at the risk of our lives and the peace of mind of our families?

I wish I could ask my father that.

George Kirk was a war hero, there's no denying that. In the few precious minutes he commanded the USS Kelvin, he managed to save many lives and go down in history as a courageous soul. . . leaving behind a wife and an infant daughter. Understand that I do not hate my father in the slightest; if anything, I try to emulate him in his actions and be the child I knew he would be proud to call his own. It is that single-minded determination to place other life and more important duties above himself that drives me to the brink of madness. Now as I stand before the man I have come to call my greatest friend while hugging the woman whom, unknowingly, has come to be my biggest rival.

Coming into Starfleet as I did, it was no secret that I was a cocky bitch. Everything seemed to come with ease academically; there was no hesitation to flaunt it. Teachers were exasperated with me and Bones, dear Bones, is an angel if you ever met one. He had to put up with me the most. Hell, I crashed in his dorm so often to sleep off a hangover or bug the hell out of him, his roommate decided to take my place. You could say I did my roommate a favor, it was the first time I was a bridesmaid.

Bride.

When the distress signal from Vulcan came through I was being chewed out at a disciplinary hearing, happily thinking about decking a coincidentally Vulcan bastard. Just because I beat his damn test he gets personal. . . low. . .

Anyway, that was the start of hell and then some. So much carnage, so many revelations, so much to take in at one time. One minute I'm bar chick in Iowa, the next, I'm commanding the Enterprise with said bastard at my side. The guy who stranded me in a fucking ice hell. The guy who was two seconds from knocking my block off had I been a dude. The guy who chose to trust me when the chips were down and everything seemed impossible.

The guy I just had to fall for.

Sitting among the happy and cheery souls, I felt like a blight, an ink stain on white silk. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into my bed and sleep for a couple of days, or at least throw a few more back of good measure. But what kind of captain does that? The morale of the crew was high and a happy crew was a working crew. Even Bones was smiling and carrying on conversation. He gave somewhat of a grin as he chastely hugged Uhura and nodded curtly to Spock. Spock who never seemed to change moods unless someone provoked him.

"What's the matter Captain? You seem a little down to be at a party. Usually _you're_ the one we have to calm down."

I could only smile looking at Sulu, remembering the showdown on the drill and the way he worked a sword in battle. The respect I gained from that moment only grew as the years passed. As a pilot and as a crewman, he has yet to fail me. Those concerned eyes examining me with scrutiny almost made me want to hide away somewhere, was I that unfortunate looking?

". . . I'm just fatigued. With all that's been going on lately, it's nice to just sit back a relax a little. Don't worry about me, enjoy the party; I think I'm bowing out."

". . . If you're sure. I'll ask Bones to check in on you later."

I genuinely smiled at that, "Bones knows everything. Trust me, once he notices I'm gone, he'll probably beat me to my room."

And it was that easy to slip away, into the quiet hallways of the Enterprise on to my room; a space I've been occupying frequently in the last few weeks.

* * *

It wasn't supposed to happen, and I'm not even sure how it happened. On missions, negotiating treaties, saving lives, naturally your First Officer is by your side to assist you. Through scuffles and moments of captivity, often he was the one to be in my company. Whenever I was in trouble, he went to retrieve me and often delivered a lecture about regulations and rules that would have to be explained in the report. Simple stuff.

I tried to pretend that I didn't hear the knocking in the shower. There was nothing more I'd like to avoid just then than company, but I knew I'd never hear the end of it next shift. Sighing, I wrapped a towel around me and answered the door, getting as presentable as my crummy mood would allow. It had better be good.

"Ah, Captain."

"Oh, it's you Andros. What's wrong?"

Andros Seran was the new councilor that came highly recommended from Starfleet. Hailing from Betazed, he was adept at reading emotions and took his job very seriously, never using his abilities on anyone until in a dire situation occurred or he was given permission. He also wasn't bad looking, which didn't hurt in the slightest.

"Nothing is wrong, everyone is fine and enjoying themselves, but I noticed you left early in the festivities. I wanted to check on you."

"Everything's fine councilor, I'm just a little tired. Go back to the party and don't worry about me."

He frowned. I could tell from his expression he was refraining from picking my brain or pushing the issue.

"If you say. But I would like for you to come in for a session at the earliest convenience. Just a formality you understand."

I spared a smile, "Afraid I'm cracking up Andros? If only to ease your mind, I will attend first thing. But I assure you, I'm cool as a cucumber."

He nodded, "Very well. My apologies if I disturbed you."

I waved the words away and retreated back into the room, thankful for some silence. You could hear the sounds of rowdy crewmen bounce off the corridor walls. Before I could find something to wear, another knock came to the door. Shivering and mildly agitated, I answered the call once more with dripping hair and a scowl.

"What?"

"Jen- put on some clothes woman!" Bones crossed his arms, "What's the matter with you?"

"This is my room and I can go naked if I please. It's hard to get dressed when people come knocking."

Grunting as usual, he walked in and sat on the small couch. His easy smile was gone, replaced with the calculated glance of a seasoned doctor. Again, was I that goddamned transparent?

"Jeez Bones, if you wanted a peek at my rack, why didn't you say so?"

The sputtering expression was worth it.

"Dammit Jen, I came over here to see how you were doing! You've been moping around the ship for weeks now and it's starting to irritate me."

God.

"Spit it out. You've never been the one to hold anything back, so why start now?"

I didn't know how to answer and I didn't want to. It was one thing to feel this meshing of emotions, but to have them so plainly bared for the world to see made my stomach clench. How could I not have noticed?

Crap!

Did he notice?

"Bones. . . it's complicated okay. And it really doesn't matter. Can we just-"

"It's gone on long enough and you know it. Be honest with me, then be honest with yourself and admit the truth."

. . . .

The truth.

How could I admit this? Form the emotion into words that have never escaped my mind? Come clean to a reality that will never be?

God.

I could feel a large wave of emotion preparing to crash down on me and the stinging of emerging tears in my eyes. I didn't want to cry, not because Bones was there, but because it was a sign that I was conceding defeat. That I was accepting the hopelessness. . . . . . . for what it was.

. . . .

. . . .

. . . .

. . . .

I should have seen that coming.

Hours might have gone by. Maybe it was just minutes. Or maybe the sedative ebbing away seemed to stretch the seconds. Whatever the case, all was completely quite now and I couldn't be more thankful.

My name is Jen T. Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise, and I do not believe in no-win scenarios.

I do however, believe in life, and she is a vindictive bitch.

_**Author's Note: **_

_**It's hard to write in this tense, but I wanted to set the stage in the Captain's point of view. I'm not quite sure if I want to keep her name as Jen, but we'll see how it works out. I see that I was repetitive in a good portion of the chapter and will refrain from doing so in the future; it's just so hard to get back into the rhythm of things you know? There may be some OOCness in here and you may not understand everything, but I promise to stay consistent. Thank you! **_


	2. To Need Me

_**I Wanted Him**_

_**A Star Trek Fanfiction**_

_**Chapter Two: **_

_**To Need Me**_

* * *

There were some things only she could do for you.

When did they stop playing as many chess matches as they did? When did they stop meeting for lunch or chatting or grouping together on diplomatic missions? When did they stop being so close, and when did she start running away?

Running away from their closeness and love, from the eyes that questioned her sanity and stability as a captain. Running away from the very real fact that she was losing her damn mind.

She kept her promise and attended the session with the counselor and spent the majority of the time spacing out. After the last series of one syllable answers, Andros sighed in frustration, sweeping back a stray lock of red hair.

"We'll never get anywhere if you won't tell me anything."

"Maybe there's nothing to tell."

"And maybe you're full of shit."

That earned a mildly surprised look from her, "Bold words."

He smiled, "And maybe it was. However, if we're going to make any progress, we must be as brutally honest with each other as we possibly can. If you don't want to talk, we can try other methods."

"Well, with all due respect to you doctor, I don't want you tinkering away in my head. I can barely stand having myself in there."

"Understandable. How about trying this?" He reached over into a small box and retrieved an orange candle as tall as the width of her thumb. "It may not seem like much, but it's as powerful as any truth serum. If this doesn't do the trick, I don't know what will."

"So. . . ."

"You just light the wick and relax. This is measured out for one use to ease the process and gently expose the truth. Any more and you'd be rendered comatose."

"Nice to know." she took the small candle and gave it a little sniff. Her head was spinning in seconds. "Are you sure this thing is safe?"

"Of course Captain, these are used often on my home planet and have been know to produce positive results. I will have Dr. McCoy on stand-by as per routine and to set your doubts at ease."

"Bones will never leave me alone now." she muttered drily, "Thank you Andros."

"No need Captain, it is a pleasure and a privilege."

Catching the intense look in his eyes and the stiffness of his form, she waved the formality away and proceeded to make her way to the bridge, running right into the guy she had no desire to see.

"Captain."

As solid as ever, as controlled as ever, he stood before her imposingly and immovable. It irked her to no end, but she would not let him know that.

"Spock."

"I have noticed that you've displayed a consistent display of reluctance to perform your duties as captain. One must wonder if you are well; perhaps a visit to sick bay-"

"I assure you I'm fine Spock. It's a little fatigue and nothing more. There's nothing to get riled up about."

"Were you not leaving Councilor Saren's quarters just moments ago?"

"I fail to see how that has to do with you." She snapped, "That is a personal matter and will remain as such. As you were Lieutenant; I have work to do."

She walked away from him without another word, wanting nothing more than to hide again, but knew that was a luxury she could not afford. Shit! Why did she have to yell?

* * *

She could feel his stare bearing down on her in the days that followed, but refused to acknowledge it. Through the negotiating of space with a new species and collaborating on status reports, it was better to picture him as furniture, or a tribble that just wouldn't go away. Was it petty? Yes. Did she care? Not as much as she would have liked to. Dealing with Uhura was easier, though she couldn't imagine how. Like Spock, she didn't gush about anything or behaved in the normal fashion a young woman would, but focused more on the task at hand and seemed to have an affinity to sense the captain's "Fuck Off" vibes. The cliché girl on girl hatred never happened. Maybe it was the fact that they never got close enough to be bosom buddies. Maybe for the better, since the first encounter they had began with a sleazy pickup line.

As for the rest of the crew, it was easier to fool them with tiredness. Not that it completely worked all the time. Sulu was more friendly than usual, inviting her to see new hybrids of plants and asking her to join him in a sparring session. Bones kept finding reasons to visit her quarters with matters easily transferred over com and had a tendency to linger in a overtly conspicuous manner. Even Scotty had his own way of "cheering her up" by challenging her to rounds of drinking until they were stumbling fools. Sad and pathetic in most respects, but a pastime she hadn't completely abandoned, especially when the situation called.

But she refused to receive anything from the object of her obsession unless it came with superior orders. It was too much to resume what was once a working relationship. . . what was left of it. She felt like an obsolete model; expendable and unnecessary. Like she'd serve her purpose and was no longer needed.

But she needed to be needed. Craved the interaction and the push-pull effect they seemed to have on eachother. It was as if . . . God. . . of all the times she laughed at her peers for their indulgence in romance novels and the dramatic drivel that came with them, here she was eating those words.

It was as if a part of her were missing.

* * *

Bones could have been doing anything else with the workload he had as CMO. Instead, here he was staring into the face the Vulcan he couldn't help but hate. Arms folded and scowl perfectly in place, he waited somewhat patiently for the man to speak, taking care to display his displeasure with heavily drumming fingers.

"Doctor, there has been a recent change within the habits and mannerisms of our captain. I am concerned that she is not well and suggest she be fully examined before resuming her duties."

"You do, do you? What does Jen have to say about all of this?"

"She believes that it is none of my concern and has declined to speak with me on a number of occasions unless the matter is of platonic nature."

Bones chuckled bitterly to himself, "She's a stubborn one alright. . . If I were you Spock, I would let her be. She's got her own demons to face without you adding to it. She may be in a fit now, but the Enterprise will always come first with her."

"While the governing of the Enterprise is of the utmost important, the welfare of the Captain is of equal reverence-"

"-and I can tell you that she's not as despondent as you think she is. Little by little she's doing the right thing. You should know a little something about proud creatures Spock, they never make anything easy, for themselves or others. Let it be and get back to work."

* * *

Spock mulled this over as he took his leave, grouping it together with all that has happened in the past few weeks. In between the time of the first hint of distress to now he saw their interaction dwindle and her level of vivacity diminish. The spontaneous remarks and carefree expressions that often graced her features were minimal. To use a human phrase, it was as if all the life were sucked out of her.

How strange it was that she would decline at such a joyous time, a time where he would make his contribution to the Vulcan colony with a woman of such compatibility. A woman he'd come to know as strong, self-aware, and self-sacrificing to every cause she found herself bound to. It was a match built from strong foundations and would prove effective in the years to come.

This was something many humans held in high regard he observed. Especially human females. With an announcement came a large wave of emotions and anticipation; women would bond and share their revelations of the perfect bonding ritual while the men indulged them. Not so with the women in his life. Knowing Nyota and her head for structure and order, one would naturally assume the captain would be overcome. Perhaps it was something to speak to the councilor about.

* * *

She watched the candle with scrutiny before lighting the wick. All the skepticism in her mind was swept away by the heavy scent that seemed to permeate the room in a matter of seconds. The room began to spin as her legs gave out from under her, causing her to land hard on her bed. It didn't matter though, all she could feel was the sensation of the world whirring by and the incredible softness that now surrounded her.

_She was a miserable woman. _

It was the truth, there was no denying it. She spent most of her life buried in books by day and drowned in booze by night. Her way to relieve stress usually involved a bar brawl or shameless flirting followed by a make-out session on a pool table. Sometimes her mother wouldn't let her back in the house for days. Sometimes she snuck back in at the risk of her asshole stepdad chewing her out for being so useless. As if scratching your ass while eating everything in sight was a suitable profession.

_He could have been mine._

Cameron. She used to tease him over his name because he teased her about hers. They met at the bar she frequented most of the time and hit it off immediately. Whenever she needed a place to crash, he would offer his house, sneaking her past his parents and kid brother. He was as straight as they came. The only reason he was at the bar that night was to be the designated driver of another friend. Why he was interested in her was the question. He told her it was because she was a powerhouse if he ever saw one and teased that she could probably reach admiral status in her first year of Starfleet Academy.

That was his future. He wanted to be an officer of the stars and who was she to stop him? A nobody with no ambitions and no dreams?

Of course, she did make it in and worked her ass off for lack of a better thing to do. It didn't take long for her to master a level of slacker that really didn't hurt anything more than her image. For reasons unknown, Cam still walked up to her in crowded rooms and walked her to class everyday. Treating her like the lady she'd look to never be.

Until the crisis.

She drifted gradually from a floating sensation to one of gently sinking to the bottom of an endless sea. Opening her mouth, she could taste the flowers and fruits in the air. The sounds of gentle whooshing filled her ears and the temperature was all at once warm and cold.

It was at that moment, after meeting Spock Prime and boarding the ship once more. He grabbed the front on her uniform, pressing cold knuckles against her skin as he glared fiercely into her eyes. . .

It was then that she felt that bond of destiny. An intertwining of souls that transcended dimensions and logic.

It was then that she knew. . .

She knew. . .

. . . .

. . . .

. . . .

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_

_**I use ellipses a lot and ask a lot of rhetorical questions in this piece. Some of the dialogue is forced and some things don't make sense now that will make sense later. I use a lot of flowery language because that is my writing style. I hope you don't have a hard time comprehending it. All in all, not a bad chapter in my opinion. **_


	3. To Forgive Me

_**I Wanted Him**_

_**A Star Trek Fanfiction**_

_**Chapter Three:**_

_**To Forgive Me**_

* * *

Uhura wanted to ask, but had a sense that maybe she didn't want to know. It was no secret that she thought the captain a pompous arrogant brat when they first met. The woman was insufferable in every sense of the word and yet managed to place almost everyone she encountered under her charismatic spell. Many times she wanted to throttle her, as she was the main cause of a few conflicts they managed to find themselves in every other occasion. It was blatant stupidity; the type that Jen Kirk managed to turn into a vital, infallible life skill.

Knowing all of this and having experienced it first hand, she could only become a little concern as she watched her place Spock in control and disappear within the Enterprise for the umpteenth time this month. She couldn't get any information from Spock, seeing as he and Kirk no longer conversed, and Bones refused to bring up the subject. As if that weren't suspicious enough, Counselor Andros refused to break confidence, which is usual protocol when issues begin affecting the running of the ship.

What the hell is going on here?

* * *

"How are you feeling today Captain?"

"I've told you to call me Jen. I come here too often for you to forget that."

"Jen."

"I feel like I can stop coming to sessions now. Whatever you put in the candle, essence of Iron-willed Vulcan or something, it's working."

"Good. And you've been able to converse with First Officer Spock."

". . . yeah. Work related, odds and ends of the crew and the ship, even a passing remark about the upcoming nuptials. As far as that goes, I'm not sure we'll ever be as- as close as we once were."

It was a relief to not cringe at that revelation. As much as she hate to admit it, frequently having her head shrunk had been worth it. She was cracking jokes and making Bones' life a living hell just as she used to before. Her crew began to trust in her again and displayed a little less pity when she walked into a room. The whole ordeal really didn't help the image of the female, but at this point chauvinists could bite her; progress was good.

"That's a start. I also think that the sessions can become more lax; I still want you to report to me every two weeks and continue the candle regimen. I've also been checking in with Bones to make sure no adverse effects have manifested."

Jen jumped up in alarm, "You said that thing was safe!"

"Yes, but I wasn't counting on your interesting ability to be allergic to almost every substance you touch.."

"Bones . . ."

"Take it for affection Jen. Just in case there is a delayed reaction to the candle, as a safeguard I will also give you this one. It will dilute the effects of the first one by diverting the elements that could be harmful to the surface while the more benevolent will continue as they were. It is virtually the same process only, if anything were to go wrong, the symptoms will be milder and easier to manage."

She took the small white candle, double the thickness of the orange ones, and gave it an experimental sniff. It smelled of mint and ice. And instead of spinning, she felt as if she could float out of her chair at any moment

"Sounds good to me." she pocketed the item and rose to leave, "Thank you again Andros."

"On the contrary. I enjoy your company Captain. Although I do wish that it was under more favorable circumstances."

Jen could see the sincerity "Well, how about you join me for dinner tonight in my quarters. We can converse over something far more entertaining than the workings of the female mind."

"That sounds like a nice change."

"Then it's on."

* * *

Bones made sure to examine everything twice over before he gave her a clean bill of health. Aside from a rise in brain activity, she was fit and functional.

"It's a miracle." he muttered

"Ha, ha." Jen stretched her limbs, "I sure can't wait for shore leave. I've been working like a dog."

"Bullshit. _I've _been working like a dog. _You've _been sleeping with candles and crewmen for the past few months."

"That's a low blow even for you Bones. Andros has become a good friend to me. If it weren't for him and his candles I'd still be bitching and moaning and you'd be using me as a pincushion for hypos."

He grunted with skepticism, "Call it what you like, but I think the shrink is sweet on you. You'd have to be blind or stupid not to notice all the dinners and lunch chats giggle faces you two make. It's sickening."

"I-"

"Haven't gotten over the hobgoblin? His name hasn't passed your lips without a task following after it. That annoying duo you had going on in the beginning now consists of him and Uhura and it doesn't seem to bother you in the slightest."

That was true. Instead of snapping at him or outright ignoring him she could carry one a reasonable conversation. What was once their bond she believe they shared now took on the form of respect and understanding. That just had to be good enough for her.

"Yeah, yeah, but I don't want to talk about that anymore than I already do in session. And I'm not sleeping with Andros. It's too much to jump from one guy to another. . . way to much work for starters-"

"No more! I bore witness to that on a number of occasions in positions I will never bleach out of my brain."

Laughing, Jen slapped him on the back and pinched his cheek, "I said I was sorry."

"No you're not."

". . . so I'm not, join us for lunch?"

"Are you asking me to lunch or an expedition?"

"Stop your bitching for two seconds and enjoy the company you rarely have. If you can do that for me, then maybe on shore leave I'll help you get laid." She managed to dodge the hypospray aimed at her neck and dashed out of sick bay, "Love you Bones!"

Despite himself, he chuckled. How could he have known that the girl he sat down next to that day would be an eternal pain in the ass as well as a lifelong friend?

* * *

Spock watched the free expressions on the Elder's face and, for the first time, wondered just how different the alternate universe was. How close was his alter with the others of the Enterprise? How did he come to achieve his place in Starfleet and how did he connect with his family and culture on Vulcan? So many things to ask. . .

"Uhura and I were good friends aboard the ship and shared an easy camaraderie amongst ourselves. She was a very bright, very intelligent woman. As for any amorous attachment, it was not meant to be."

This surprised Spock, "Among the majority of Terran females I've become acquainted with, I have never met a more compatible match."

"And what is compatibility without a driving force? When circumstances become too manageable, there is nothing more to fight for." Elder Spock eyed his counterpart with some scrutiny, "And what of Jen? How has she accepted your impending bonding?"

"With as much enthusiasm as one would expect from a colleague and friend despite her former despondence."

"Hmm, tell me, was she lethargic? Did she refuse to speak or lashed out in a hostile manner?"

"Yes."

"Was that directed at you by chance?"

"For a time she refused to engage me in conversation or even acknowledge my existence. I fail to comprehend the motive behind this action."

The next thing that happened caught Spock completely by surprise. Not only did his alter crack a smile, he actually laughed. A loud, full sound that, oddly enough, reminded him of her mother on the occasion she was sent into fits. Nonetheless, it was a bit embarrassing to see.

"It is a simple matter to forget that while you are intelligent, you are also young. The complications of the human heart, much more those of a female, are at once both simple and profound. The connection you share with Jen is no less than the bond I once shared with Jim in my time."

". . . your bond with Jim Kirk in your time. . . "

". . .was one of the most important and valuable asset I possessed. Though we were by no means compatible in any sense, our differences completed the other with qualities we lacked. If one is to place a puzzle with its' destined pair, it would not be logical to align it with a compatible mate, but an opposing force."

Attracting opposites. An irreplaceable bond with his captain. . .

"I will not tell you that your fate will be any less complete should you deviate from a former path. I will tell you however, that I have known no greater friend or entity than that of James T. Kirk. I have the utmost confidence that your Jennafer is no different."

Long after he ended the transmission, the conversation still rang fresh in Spock's mind. The emotion that overcame Jen and her complete denial of his person bordered on the emotion of irritation. Her confidence in an upstart crewman came dangerously close to feelings of inadequacy. Until now, there was no other explanation for such a display.

It was true that they were of different intellects. Where he was reserved, she was all kinetic energy. Where he stayed within the lines of regulation, she broke walls with the belief that the cost more than outweighed the means. She was insufferable, boisterous, overconfident, and shameless, but she was also strategic, loyal, fierce, and determined. And yet, he never thought of her in that sense, not when he was engaged with Nyota, his planet was in peril, and said stowaway was more of a complication.

It would be more beneficial to speak to the captain, but as that has had a negative outcome, more tactical measures would have to be taken. . . . maybe he should have also sought out the guidance of his father as well.

* * *

Jen felt as if an invisible force pulled her among the waves of some vast ocean. The sensation seemed to wash her clean; she felt more open and free.

"Jen, can I come in?"

The door opened and Andros came in, appearing really nervous and antsy. Jen dreamily beckoned him to sit beside her on the bed and tried hard to pay attention to him.

"I didn't want to disturb you during therapy, but I felt that something must be known that couldn't wait until later." he swallowed hard and clenched his fists, "But maybe it's better for you to know now. . ."

"What are you talking about. . .?"

"The little jokes from Dr. McCoy about. . . well, it's a complicated thing. . . I wanted to come clean to Starfleet, but my mother didn't think it was necessary. And I know it's cheap to approach you now of all times, but. . . please forgive me."

"Andros. . . just. . . spit it out. . ."

". . . . Andrea."

Jen lifted her head, a puzzled expression on her face.

Bracing himself, he stood from the bed. It was then that she noticed he wore a loose-fitting robe. Closing his eyes, he released the robe, and at the same time a small psychic net that was bound close to his body.

And it was a gorgeous body with full, rounded hips, supple, shapely breasts, and long, wild red hair. And if that wasn't enough, there bold as brass was a male appendage, no doubt hiding the netherlips of a female.

". . . my birth-name is Andrea."

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_

_**With the last image, I wasn't trying to describe a Mary-sue. I was actually thinking of the mythology while typing and it just came out that way. This chapter was the most challenging to type. I think it could have been better, but that's what practice and patience is for.**_


	4. To Free Me

_**A Star Trek Fanfiction**_

_**I Wanted Him**_

_**Chapter Four:**_

_**To Free Me**_

* * *

I couldn't forget her. . . his face. Staring back at me with wide, pleading eyes and biting already abused lips. I couldn't fight the spell the candle placed on me, I couldn't be mad at anything, not that I'd wish to be in the first place.

She was beautiful to Jen, no matter what she . . . he looked like. As a Captain of a starship, she'd seen stranger.

The betazoid breathed a sigh of relief at her positive words, breaking into a fit of giggles. It could have been the candles, but she was just as dreamy eyed and looked as if she could stand no more. So she stayed.

It didn't look like any proper sort of sight. Jen was clad only in a t-shirt and panties while Andrea wore nothing. Nonetheless they talked. Talked about Betazed. Talked about Earth. Talked about the Romulans, Starfleet, and anything else that emerged from their fuzzy minds. They chattered away until the candles burnt out and they drifted off to sleep.

It was strange, but what wasn't strange in space? Maybe strange was what she needed right now. Something not so familiar and uniform. Something that actually had a change of pace.

She should indulge in girl talks more.

* * *

Bones wasn't surprised at the sight. He chalked it up to rebound sex and retreated just as swiftly as he entered. Jen tried to tell him otherwise, but it was kind of hard to picture Jen Kirk talking to any living, breathing thing with genitalia and not getting into their pants, or lack thereof, somehow. The way they were acting didn't help matter any either.

In the lunch room, Jen would whisper something in the Councilor's ear that would make him blush like mad and send her into fits. Whenever she was applying gloss or some other application of beauty she would examine it and ask him if he would like to try it. More than often he would, sending the young captain into more fits and startling anyone in the immediate vicinity.

And as if that weren't enough, those two became the newer duo on the ship, chatting amongst themselves in such a way that let him know that Jen was up to something. Dammit.

"I can see it in your eyes so don't give me any lip."

He met her in the hallway after one of her sessions on his way to sick bay. He raised a brow at her pigtails, but didn't ask. He was scarred enough already.

"I don't know what you're-"

"Bullshit."

Jen pouted, "Ah, let me have my fun Bones. I promise you'll be surprised."

"Surprises from you mean heart attacks for me. I swear if you cause any more trouble, I'll take a hypo to your backside."

"Sadistic old man."

"Horny little brat."

Jen wiggled her eyebrows, earning a reluctant chuckle from the doctor. After assuring him she wasn't going to bring on the next galactic war, she continued her journey back to the bridge with a smile on her face. Bones couldn't help but feel that maybe this was all for the best. For the time being, everyone's happy.

* * *

"Nice hair Captain."

"Isn't it though? I thought I'd do something with it for the occasion."

"Shore leave!" Chekov chirped, "We're about two hours away from our destination Keptain."

"Excellent. We've all been working our asses off these past months, so I order you all to have fun, stay safe, and leave me the hell alone unless you're dying."

"Planning to score?" asked Uhura in a knowing tone.

Jen smiled mischievously, "Tell me about this planet Uhura."

She shook her head, "It's a relatively new planet colonized by the Venusians five hundred years ago. They are a people who worship beauty and pleasure. . . in other words, you type of planet."

"You know me so well."

"A little more than I would like. They are a hospitable people and live to serve others, though some of the population can be vain and easily offended. It should be simple enough to spot one from the other; if there's any conflict, the best thing to do is bow out quickly."

"I guess someone's going to have to babysit Scotty then. . ."

* * *

In the time specified, they arrived on the tropical planet of Aros. Just as Uhura said, they were greeted warmly and thoroughly by a welcome party of beautiful Venusian men and women. They were the perfect embodiment of the gods of lore and had no qualms about exposing their bodies. The most some of them wore were sheer wraps about their frames.

"Fascinating. . ." murmured Spock

"Just what I need." Bones muttered in sarcasm

"Well don't just stand there crew, mingle!"

Jen captured the attention of her entire crew by bounding up to meet them in a blue sundress and pigtails, dragging a mortified red-headed woman also in pigtails and a green sundress.

"Christ woman, you work fast." Scotty whistled, "What a beauty."

Jen laughed, "Don't be stupid, surely you remember Councilor Andrea Seran? Well, Let's go men!"

And with that she left them in her dust; confused, a mite disturbed, and mindfucked.

* * *

"Why were we not informed of this when Councilor Seran first joined the ship Dr. McCoy?"

"Are we really going to do this now?" Bones peeked up from his napping place not too far from the ship, "Did everyone need to know that you have a human mother? If said officer didn't want to share, then that's her business. Why does it bother _you _so much?"

"I do not trust the councilor."

"Why? Since when does being bi-gendered make you a criminal?"

"He. . . she has become quite close with the Captain in a short amount of time. One would wonder if she had any other ulterior motive to her actions."

"My god man do you have any friends? Do you know Jennafer Kirk? If she can get someone into bed in less than a day she can make a friend. You should know, you used to be one."

"The relationship between the Captain and I -"

"You're just having a tantrum because you're not her favorite anymore. Swallow your Vulcan pride for a damn minute and admit it. You miss the Captain and you don't want to share her. Well that's too damn bad. You've got a hell of a woman by your side now but you want to get greedy. And don't you give me any crap about human emotions; you can't have it both ways. So pick one and leave me the hell alone, I only have so little time to sleep before one of these morons gets themselves maimed."

. . .

Spock spent the rest of the day by the side of his intended, thinking over all that he'd been subjected to so far. He was concerned for his Captain; the emotional turmoil evident in her actions and mannerisms pushed him to action. Her immediate connection and fondness for the Councilor made him suspicious of her motives. It was logic that he was concerned for her well-being and safety. As Commander of the Enterprise, she had to be at peak form and ready for any situation. As First Officer, he had to be ready and willing to do anything in his power to maintain those standards.

So why wasn't that adequate enough? His inner peace was plagued with questions unanswered and statements unsaid. There was something else, but he could not find the logic behind it. What was this?

"Earth to Vulcan person. Why aren't you dressed?"

Spock looked up. And wished he hadn't.

True to the culture, Jen was clad in a gold, sheer wrap and wore her hair down. Against the sun, there was a perfect view of her body. Every curve, every supple shape was on display for the world to see.

"I think the question would be why aren't you dressed?" Uhura merely shook her head in amusement, "Only you Jen."

"Not just me in a minute. Andrea's changing into hers. We're going to go down to the bar and play a drinking game."

"I would refrain for partaking in the activity. It would not be wise to become impaired within the confines of a foreign planet."

"And when has that ever stopped me before Spock? Relax; I'll be more than fine here."

"Perhaps if Nyota and I were to accompany you-"

"And what, chaperone me? Enjoy your bondmate to be Spock and leave the single ladies to their amusement. If I'm not back tonight, send Bones to fetch me. I swear he implanted a chip in my ass of something."

Spock watched her go with reluctance, fighting down a twinge in his stomach when a group of young Venusians stopped to admire her beauty. She was out in the open and vulnerable. Anything could happen to the Captain-

"Are you okay Spock?"

Uhura, clad in a red bikini and reading one of her favorite novels watched him with calculating eyes. Dropping his gaze to her bag, he picked out a communicator, a phaser gun, and sunscreen; items he'd think unnecessary as she was with him. He would assume, having initiated the beginnings of bonding, that he would be the source of her protection. But then again, Nyota Uhura was not a submissive woman in any regard. Not that he desired to dominate his mate, he only thought that his defense alone would prove adequate.

_Relax, I'll be more that fine_

"I'm fine."

* * *

"One. More. Time!" Jen shouted out to the small crowd around her, "One. . . three. . . go!"

Everyone each picked up a small shot glass and downed a colorful, purple liquid. It tasted like syrup but went down like brandy.

"Two more!"

"Ah cut it out Jenny. . . you've already had. . . like. . . ten of those things."

"You getting weak on me. . . . Andrea? We. . . haven't. . . .even gotten started. . . yet. . ." Jen looked into the glass, "What is this stuff anyway?"

"Ah Jen. . . you said. . . you said. . . said you knew. . ."

"I did?" She slid off of the bar stool and ended up collapsing, ". . . probably lied. . . let's go. . ."

After a few false starts, a few guys volunteered to take them back to the ship. After carrying them there, the made the girls promise to go drinking with them again some time before going back to the bar.

The girls giggled noisily as they made their way through the corridors. All was quiet, still, and mostly dark.

"Hey. . . hey Jen? I had. . . so much fun tonight. . . . I don't think I've. . . drank since. . . graduating from Starfleet. . . "

Fumbling around, they managed to find Jen's room and stumbled into her bed, finally collapsing into fits of laughter. They laughed and laughed until they were in tears and their faces were red.

"This. . . this is what. . . what I needed to get over him. . . you know, I'm glad we are friends. . . I'm glad . . . you're here. . ."

Andrea turned to her, reaching out to trace her lips, " I. . . got a secret. . . another one. I don't know if I can ever. . . tell you. . ."

The roaming fingers traced her lips, her face, the shadows of her body, and around those baby blues.

"Try me. . . just try me. . ."

"No. . ." Andrea pulled her hand away, "You'd never forgive me. . ."

Jen, with hesitancy, reached out to touch her now trembling hands.

"How do you know . . .?"

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_

_**It may seem fast-paced for others, nonsensical, or too slow, but remember I'm rusty here and usually know all the flaws in this story, so no need to reiterate. Kinda convenient for the natives to glorify nudity huh? Go figure. Work with me here. All in all, it is now 12:55am and I'm tired; not bad if I must say. Though there might be some grammatical errors in here. Oh yeah, Star Trek (obviously) doesn't belong to me.**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**A Star Trek Fanfiction**_

_**I Wanted Him**_

_**Chapter Five:**_

_**To Be Away From Me**_

* * *

She snored when she slept, and it was so very cute.

Andros, Andrea, toyed with her blonde tresses as Jen snuggled closer, taking in the color and texture of it before bringing it to her lips.

She could not contain the feelings in her heart for much longer, and she doubt that she would have to. From the time she placed her hat in the ring for a position on the Enterprise to the time she lost herself in the whirlpool that was Jennafer T. Kirk, she knew that this was her moment. What was once only a ploy for her mother's affections and her father's pride became a conquest for a woman's heart; one she intended to win by any means necessary.

Of course she never revealed the truth; that was one thing she could never afford to give away. If it was known what those candles truly contained, she would lose so much. But she had to. Anyone else in her position would have done the same.

The moment her captain stirred, she placed all ill thoughts out of her mind and proceeded to get ready for another day of relaxation. They giggled and joked about the night before and planned to find those guys on the last day of leave; just to end the time with a bang. It was no secret among the crew how hard they partied and also no surprise where they ended up. Uhura gave a knowing smirk, the Doctor only grunted. Only the First Officer of the ship seemed unamused. Before they could get a safe distance away, he addressed them with a steely disposition. Was it possible to fit a bigger stick up there?

"As captain of this vessel I would believe you would conduct yourself in that manner. Have you forgotten you rank ma'am?"

"Jeez Spock, you're starting earlier than usual today. . . and don't call me ma'am."

"You are behaving like an adolescent child."

"Because I'm not being a tight ass like you?"

"Because you're behaving in the manner of a simply acquired prospect."

"Did you just call me a-"

This was going on long enough. In front of the three, the betazoid planted a sweet kiss upon the blonde's lips. Whether it was their first, or one of many, it didn't matter. It was theirs.

Raising her eyes in challenge to the officer, she smirked a bit and turned to leave, her lover on her arm. She could feel the latent bitterness flare behind her and smiled inside with triumph. She had won this battle.

. . .

The Vulcan side of him cringed at his impatience the night before. The way he paced the corridors of the Enterprise for hours, waiting for any sign of his unruly captain. As he needed minimal sleep to function, it was a simple task. When the women came stumbling in, in the throes of laughter and heavily inebriated, it was draped all over each other. The wraps they wore were now uselessly draped over their shoulders.

The moment they returned home he retreated into his quarters, seeking to speak with his father. Of all the people he knew in his life, his father should have been the first one to consult on the matters of the Terran female from a Vulcan's perspective. The matter had begun to take on a life of his own, and he could no longer bear the sight of the women without the strange urge to scold them.

His father watched him questioningly as he spoke, though he revealed nothing through facial features. Spock did not feel comfortable approaching this topic again, but knew that something had to be done to cease this mortifying behavior. Nyota had begun to grace him with the same guarded, questioning gaze, but never broached the subject he was sure visited her mind many times.

Sarek eyed his son with scrutiny, "Terran females are a very illogical part of the human species Spock. Irrational and prone to opposing emotions, they are a hard people to read and understand. Your mother, though disciplined within the community of our people, was no different. Your Captain is no different."

No difference. There was no difference.

". . . what must I do father?"

"Do you love her?"

No pretense. No warning.

"I. . . I don't know Father."

His eyes never wavered, "You have always been a logical child, despite being of mixed heritage. You have always followed the path of the Vulcan, and I wonder if that was wise. . . You have inherited your mother's heart; one that has no structure when it comes to the complex emotion of love. Spock, with your logical mind I implore you to see. You would not ask these questions if you did not think love was there."

And he began to explain the actions he'd witness himself. The moodiness and spiteful silences. The ritual of flirting and nonverbal pleas of attention. The habits and mannerisms in day to day life. The small things that made her Amanda. And as Spock listened he began to make his own comparisons. The way Jen will twirl her hair when she's nervous or chew on it when she was bored when Nyota would sigh or groan in frustration. Or the time she wore these strange, archaic hair clips when conversing with Pike. Uhura rarely let her hair down or indulged in decorative baubles within the work place. Then there was the occasion where she jumped on his back and tweaked his ears after a few rounds with Scotty. It was mortifying and a blatant disregard for regulation. When trying to pull her off, she grabbed his hands and twirled him around with a silly grin on her face.

Like water, feelings skimmed over his fingertips. Giddiness, fearlessness, confidence. . . . And something warm just below the surface, hidden beneath apprehension, guilt, and embarrassment. Warm, glowing, and full of life.

After that encounter, it was as if it never happened. But he could not undo that strange feeling within, those almost-feelings that tested his will and made him question everything he thought he understood.

. . .

After being together for as long as they were, they were yet so far apart.

Nyota embraced the sun against her body and took in the beautiful day. Just as the day before, everything was beautiful and flawless. The people were happy and thriving in their utopia and showing off their beautiful bodies for everyone to see. She couldn't find a single frowning face within the crowd.

So far apart. . .

She loved Spock very much, there was no doubt on her part. Strong, confidence, and cool, he was everything she aspired to be and everything she desired in a man. Her perfect match.

And yet.

She could feel the doubt radiating off of him, even if he wasn't aware of it himself. As time went by he became more withdrawn into his thoughts and spoke less. What was once all fire and passion in the beginning was now more along the lines of escorting her places and keeping her company. Sex was minimal to unimportant, but it didn't bother her as much as she would have liked it to. Maybe if that didn't start the relationship, it would have been better.

Knowing this, she wouldn't be bothered by it at the moment and chose instead to enjoy herself. She would leave the inevitable drama for later.

. . .

Jen couldn't stop grinning throughout the day, feeling such a lightness in her heart after the morning's activities. Swimming, dancing, spa treatments, and complements from the natives saturated her senses and made her forget all the drama and stress of the weeks before.

Isn't that what life was about? Enjoying the now and indulging the senses while they were still sharp? And with the ones that mattered the most?

Andrea was wonderful to be with. She laughed with her, joked with her, and basically just let her be the loud and obnoxious girl of her youth. It was refreshing to release it all and revel in debauchery with a kindred spirit. It wasn't just another fling or a quest for information on a difficult mission.

Sitting by the large pool in the light of the two moons, Jen watched Andrea dip her feet into the pool and stare off into oblivion. Allowing her mane of red hair to roam free, it curled about her paleness like a feisty cloud. Every angle that could be touched was exploited by the moonlight and painted a very beautiful picture.

"I don't want you to be a man."

She chuckled, "That makes you the only one."

"Really? You have a sweet ass as a chick."

"Is that all you want from me? A piece of ass?"

Jen got up from her chair and sat down next to her, making sure to squeeze said cheeks for good measure, "You have a nice pair too."

"Gee, thanks."

Settling down once more, they watched the crewmen as well as the natives mingle and wild out with each other. It was a wonder how the Venusians manage to make everyday a party; whatever the method, it was working. But unlike them, humans didn't have nearly the stamina to keep it up, so maybe it was for the best that they kept those secrets.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Andrea's tawny eyes sharpened into that stare she came to call her "Doctor" look. It was a stare that seemed to hold your soul and turn it about for clues. For some reason, rather than annoy her like it initially did, it made Jen squirm nervously.

"You're the counselor, why don't you tell me?"

"Are you sure?"

Was she sure? The mere thought of anyone peeking into the crevices of her mind, perhaps finding all the things she'd hidden, made her stomach turn. It was no idle thing.

"I. . ."

"My feelings won't be hurt if you refuse it Jenny. You can open yourself to me one bit at a time. In turn, I will share things with you." She held up her hands, "Do you trust me?"

"Well, seeing as you have been outwardly prodding my mind for weeks at a time, I do." taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and bowed her head a little, "You're one strange woman Andrea. Usually it's the body you'd want to screw with. Fetish much?"

She giggled, "Quiet you, I'm trying to concentrate."

Holding her hands a breath away from her head, she began to sink into the superficial fields of her human mind. While the process is commonly associated with the feeling of a feather floating through air, this journey felt more like wading through gelatin. Whether she was aware of it or not, she was resisting. Little by little the pictures trickled into her mind. A vast land of sand. A cacophony of lights and sounds against darkness. Loud music and writhing bodies. A large explosion.

Delving deeper was walking through peanut butter. Flashes of parts of events blended into each other. Sounds became distorted and uneven. Echoes trailed off into nowhere-

"That is enough."

. . .

A ringing in her ears and a headache that wouldn't quit welcomed Jen back into the real world. Her vision was blurry and her hearing was shot, but she could detect the disturbance of talking in the air.

Before the rude awakening, she felt as if she were going at lightning speed through a tunnel. Visions of events passed by, careening out of control into the abyss, too fast to make anything of them. She felt she would have rushed off into oblivion any second until the trance was broken. Despite the fear, it was an intense rush. Something she felt she could easily get addicted to.

. . .

It took everything in his body not to lash out at her, and that alarmed him greatly.

Coming out to find Nyota, Spock passed by the pool on the way to one of many spa sites. The sight of the Captain and Councilor in close proximity caught his eye. To the common bystander, it looked as if they were sharing an emotional moment. However, knowing the gesture of Andrea's hands and how the Captain was so submissively dormant made him aware.

Of all the things he'd born witness to aboard the Enterprise and on shore leave, this was one event he could not abide. To the Vulcans, the mind is a terribly personal part of you. To become so intimately familiar with one's mind is to mate oneself with another; a melding of minds and essence. To think that Jen would openly give this privilege to an infant crewman was an insult.

"You bastard." the Councilor eyed him with fury, "What right have you to intrude upon something so personal?"

"That you would engage in such a ritualistic rite within the vicinity of a public place is an exercise of poor taste and judgment. You have violated the natural order of your abilities by taking advantage of a non-telepathic being."

"Advantage? Give me a break Lieutenant. I never force her, she gave herself willingly to me. That's what's bothering you. It doesn't take a telepath to see how envious you are."

"Regardless-"

"You Vulcans and your self-righteousness. I love her. It may not be conventional or started on the best of terms, I can honestly say I love her. Why are you being so damn selfish?"

Anger threatened to rear it's ugly head, but he managed to shove it down, clinging onto the mask of logical thinking, if only by his teeth.

"The Captain has been emotionally compromised for some time. To take advantage of someone in such a state is pathetic."

"Oh and you didn't seize the opportunity when your planet was going to hell? Someone ready to hold you and comfort you in your time of need without any work or effort on your part. Call me pathetic if it makes you feel any better. Hell, I'll make it easier for you! I wanted her to forget you so that I could have her. There, I'm being honest! But think about _this_ while you're nailing me to the wall. Your bondmate to be loves you; she loved you since day one. And then you use her. You may not have meant to in the beginning, but you did. And now another woman loves you, but you won't let her be with someone that is free to love her back! So do us all a favor Spock and mind your own fucking business!"

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

And there is was.


	6. Chapter 6

_**A Star Trek Fanfiction**_

_**I Wanted Him**_

_**Chapter Six:**_

_**To Take Me**_

* * *

Her mother always told her that she was a being bent on destruction. It was not in the way of the betas to mislead in any respect. For their race was an open and embracing one. However, it took no more than a few minutes to sense that Andrea was not normal.

Her condition was no more an alarm than blonde hair or hazel eyes would be. It was the way she was born. In a way, you could say it was a coincidental compromise. Her mother wanted a daughter while her father wanted a son. In the years that followed, they raised her separately within their own tastes. From dancing to combat, she did it all and enjoyed the time she got to spend exploring the genders. There were so many things she managed to do when unburdened by her girlfriends and so many things she managed to get away with, allowing the other guys to suffer.

It didn't take long for this power play to extend onto brighter horizons. As soon as she was the legal age to apply, she was off to Starfleet.

Of course her mother and father were thrilled at the prospect, feeling that their child was finally establishing some sort of discipline in her life. Proud and shining, the wished her well and kept in constant contact with her throughout her scholastic career. It was in the earlier stages she decided to go by the name Andros; it would be easier to gain access to the channels she desired in order to achieve her own ends.

In all truth, she was curious as to how hard she could push the boundaries of her established self. There were so many avenues to explore and so many people to meet. Her home planet was beginning to feel dangerously claustrophobic and her parents unnervingly clingy. It was getting harder to mask her thoughts without alerting them that she was doing so; as hapless as they were, they were not stupid.

So she breezed through her classes and studied religiously about past events and all involved with them. At the same time she sampled the night life and dabbled in a tryst or two, nothing too lasting. Her findings confirmed her suspicions; bookworm virgins. Pity. In the process of it all she came to find a real challenge, something that would actually call on all of her cunning and ability. Something that came in the neat package of a cocky, risky blonde by the name of Jennafer Tabitha Kirk.

All the stories of her adventures in space and the close encounters she had with resistance forces intrigued her. The gall she had to throw regulation out the window and banter with her crewmen as if they were friends rather than staff was admirable. All in all, she was a real catch; someone with experience in all the right things and not afraid to flaunt it. Then and there, the moment she heard that there was a new position open, she was the first one to jump for it.

Right away she assessed the crew, slyly sampling the waves they gave off. It was easy to see who the real power players of the group were and where they stood with each other. What was more intriguing was the bond between the Doctor, Captain, and First Officer. Obviously they were the paragon of human balance; the Captain being Action, the Officer being Strategy, and the Doctor being Perseverance. It was only by the foolishness of denying this bond that made it nearly deliriously easy. The only thing to overcome was the Captain's infamous determination. Or incredible ability to be completely dense. Whatever you choose.

Years later and she still wasn't able to let sleeping dogs lie. Rather than wait around for the proverbial flame to die, more measures had to be taken. Those candles were not an easy commodity to come by; often it came down to her making them herself. That special suppressing agent was hard enough to hide from the Doctor, let alone the scanners he carried about constantly. The extra candle to speed up the effects made it twice as potent, but was worth the use; she managed to complete her goal.

Until he started butting in.

Everything was going smooth until the Vulcan came into the picture. With his possessiveness and common, suspicions nature, she was on the spotlight. All of her careful planning would be ruined if she didn't do it soon.

She didn't even plan to take it this far, but in between the planning and laughs, she found out just how nice it was to have someone like Jen by her side. There was never a dull moment, and she never felt less than wanted within her presence. In the face of all the deception, secrets, and threats, Jen's smile was genuine and all for her. She trusted her and let her have a small glimpse into her world. If she wasn't careful, Andrea might actually let this woman into her heart.

. . .

On her way to her office she was met with Spock, and it wasn't a pleasant expression on his face. She knew exactly what was on his mind and made no effort to sugarcoat it.

"I'm doing it, and there's not a damn thing you can do to change that."

"The Captain doesn't understand the terms of what you're to engage her in."

"Why do you fucking care?"

"As Captain of the Enterprise-"

"Cut the bullshit and come clean. Omitting the truth is just as much a lie." she scoffed, "Some Vulcan you are."

His eyes hardened, "What you are about to engage in is something that is long-lasting. Something of intimacy two life mates share. Something I'm sure a common physical adventurist would possess any knowledge of."

"Go to hell you bastard." she tried to push past him, but was forced to look into his eyes. They were steely, "What now?"

"I can see you."

And he left it at that.

As he walked away, Andrea could only shake her head in frustration. She knew exactly what he meant, so the games stopped here. Maybe she bit off more that she could chew with the Enterprise, whom has survived things bigger and more volatile than she could dare to be. Maybe she was out of her league entirely and was actively committing social-career suicide.

Either way, there was no turning back now. She was too damn close to turn back now.

. . .

"I'm starting to worry about you Jen. Nothing's adding up around here."

"You're starting to worry about me _**now **_Bones? I guess all that bitching from before was friendly concern. Ow!"

"Don't be an infant," he ran the scanner over her body for the sixth time, "I don't understand this."

Jen's face slowly morphed from mild irritation to a sort of dazed, worried expression. Biting her lip, she looked down at her bare feet and started fidgeting.

"What's the matter?"

"Uh. . . I didn't want to tell you like this Bones. . . god it's all so sudden!"

"What the hell are you talking about."

"Well. . ." she started twiddling her thumbs, ". . . I'm late. . ."

"Late? What the-" Bones eyes widened, "Are you fucking pregnant?"

"Hell no! I'm just joking!" Jen broke out into hysterical fits on the examining table, "You should have seen your face Bones! OW!"

"Hilarious. . ." he muttered to himself darkly, "Your scans show that you're brain activity has had a few recent spikes. This wouldn't have anything to do with you and that Betazoid fooling around would it?"

"Honestly Bones, would you _really _want to know?"

"Eh. . ." he turned back to the scanners, ". . . no sense."

After another hour of prodding, he sent her on her way, making sure to treat her for any foreign diseases as well as a contraceptive hypo. Anything with part of Jen Kirk's DNA was not to happen, not while he was alive.

. . .

Spock couldn't concentrate on anything. Not on casual conversation or the normal goings on of the city. Everything seemed to fade into the background as he contemplated what may or may not transpire and if it was within his right to stop said act. Within the whirlwind of emotions, she reached out to touch his shoulder, bringing him back to solid land. Looking into those knowing eyes, he knew anything less that the truth would be doing a disservice to her.

"Spock, it wouldn't hurt as much as you think it would if you just told yourself the truth."

He opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off. All of this had to be said before she lost her nerve and hit him. Hell, she might hit him anyway, but she had to be heard.

"All the time we spent together was a wonderful experience I would never trade away. It's no secret how I feel about you and I made no effort to hide it. However, I will not endure this farce any longer. The both of us deserve more than that. I love you Spock, I love you enough to let you go. And I love me enough to let you go."

"Nyota-"

"So I think you should love Jen enough to come clean with everything. Even if it means she found love in Andro- Andrea. I know how much you value your logic, but for once, listen to your human heart and let it be your guide."

Once again he tried to open his mouth, but she would hear none of it, "I don't want any apologies or promises. Just find your girl and make her yours."

"Th-"

"I mean it Spock."

With bag in tow, she walked away, never once looking back. It would be dishonest to say that it didn't effect him, but not as much as he imagined it would. His feelings for Nyota, while genuine, never quite matched up to the intensity he felt for his Captain, the woman whose mannerisms made him want to force his head against a solid object. Whatever force in the world that made him want to crave chaos and disorder in a mate was a powerful force indeed; who was he, Vulcan or Human, to deny it.

. . .

It was their last night on the planet and Jen was intent upon drinking again. What she didn't expect was half her crew catching on to the same idea. How the hell they were supposed to drag their sorry asses off the ground in that state was a mystery not weighing too heavily on her mind at the moment. All smiles and elation, she tipped back another strange drink the color of raspberries with a salty aftertaste.

"Ah!" Scotty shook his head with a sour look on his face, "Let's try something else."

"Wimp." Jen shook away the dizziness that threatened to form, "What about the green one with the little blue flecks floating in it?"

"Do you know what any of this stuff we're consuming is?"

"No. I just drink the stuff."

"When you start vomiting or breaking out in sores, take the hypos and hold back your own damn hair."

Jen watched as Bones stalked by, two lightweights in tow. Poor rookies. . .

"Ah well . . . more for me!" Jen toasted the CE and downed the strange substance, "Damn that's strong!"

It had the texture of mud and the taste of freshly mowed grass.

"Captain-"

"Aw goddamn it." Jen slammed down the glass, "Just as I get a working buzz, you show up. A_re_ you Herpes?"

"Captain, I wish to speak with you on a urgent matter."

"We can talk tomorrow when we all have work to do."

"This matter does not pertain to Starfleet. I would like to discuss another matter. . . preferably in private."

"Listen Spock, there's nothing to discuss. You have made all your matters clear to me and I respect them. I don't want to make a scene- what the hell?"

With little effort, Spock hoisted her up onto his shoulder by her waist and made his way out of the bar. Much to the shouts and catcalls of the locals and crewmen.

"Put me down you pointy-eared bastard!"

"I will release you when the occasion calls."

Struggling was futile, so she stewed in silence as they entered the Enterprise and headed for his quarters. It was then that she remembered Andrea had a call to make to her parents. When she opened her mouth to scream, Spock managed to shove her into his quarters and close the door, cutting off the sound.

"Dammit Spock, what do you-"

. . .

It was intrusive, compulsive, and against his principles, but every lesson and lecture he received failed to register. There was no other way to convey his confusion, his every thought and metal battles, without showing her. So he showed her everything. All the times doubt about his former union ever crossed his mind. Every instance when he may have felt jealousy or rage from her brief relationships. The anger at having been denied her attention or presence for the last few months. He conveyed everything to her without hesitation, taking care not to completely rush her with information. It all had to be said, if not by words, then another method.

Little by little, she began to rifle through those memories and feelings, receiving his mind and melding it with his own. Little by little she let him in a little more and got to know the human behind Spock, at the same time, allowing snatches of her own mind to bypass her watch.

A little girl running away from home time after time again. A screaming match in the front yard. Crying in the rain. Laughing in the face of danger as a young teen speeds away on her bike. A hug from a close friend and lover. Destruction and pain.

The girl behind the woman.

Her thoughts, emotions, the very essence of her being, was intoxicating to him. His mind demanded more, reached out for more, as the sensations came in torrents, saturating their hearts and souls. He could see her defying her mother, he could feel the passion and rebellious nature of her sexual exploits. Breathe in the cockiness of her decisions and the confidence of her mind as it worked out a difficult problem. For the moment they were connected, he could feel her heart beat in unison with his. For a moment, he _was_ Jen.

From the psi points of her face to running his fingers through her perfect, fair hair, he could still feel her; feel their connection with a resounding force.

"Spock. . ."

"I have been deceptive in my motives for a long extended period time. I will not request, but take my proper place as your bondmate."

"Don't I have a say in this?"

"Would you wish to decline were I to concede to your instruction? Your dalliance with Councilor Seran is now terminated. I will not allow it."

At the present moment, caressed by a possessive Vulcan, she could hardly remember the Betazoid's name, let alone the time they spent together. All she could remember was her despondence in having missing this man, and her former melancholy now at an end. Feelings once hidden beneath a cloud were now free to be experienced and expanded. She was whole again.

. . .

"Has anyone seen the Captain?"

Andrea walked toward the bar where Nyota, Sulu, Chekov, and Scotty were hanging out. There were laughs to go around and a genuinely brighter atmosphere than they started with; an auspicious occasion.

"The last time I saw the Captain she was heading off somewhere with Spock. About damn time!" Scotty toasted the others and downed a glass of rosy red liquid, "Ah! Now I get to cozy up to this fine, delicious woman!"

"Scotty stop." Uhura lightly slapped his face, "This shore leave will be one to remember in the very least. After this it's time to get back to work."

"Ah don't remind me. You guys get to drink like fish while I have the ship to pilot."

Chekov grinned and planted a small kiss on his cheek, cheering him up quickly.

\

"Ah well lass, there are plenty of fish in the sea. With your looks, you get the pick of the litter."

"But I-" she bit her tongue, "I have to go."

Quickly she left their company and headed to the ship. All that work and careful planning. . . she hoped it all wasn't in vain. Damn! She never should have left her alone, not after the Vulcan interfered the first time.

Reaching the door, she threw restraint out the window and started banging on with with all of her might. As she expected, their was no answer. Banging on it more just caused some of the skeleton crew to see to the problem. Blushing furiously and more than enraged, she left the scene and returned to her own quarters. This called for more extensive, careful planning.

No. No more planning. Planning took up too much time; she couldn't think through all the dark thoughts that contaminated her mind. No. She would have to do something sooner. Something now.

. . .

He caressed her hands, tracing over every pattern and every crevice, making sure to note the softness and daintiness compared to his own. He wound his fingers about her own, pressed them to his lips; rubbed them against his cheek.

"Captain. . . Jennafer. . . I am. . . my affections for you are of a permanent state. There is no other being that desire to -"

"I love you too Spock."

Crystal met earth as she held his head in her hands. They were warm and peered straight into his soul. The way his mother's seem to warm him, hers set him aflame in ways both chaotic and harmonious.

"Repeat after me. . . I love you."

"I. . . I love you."

"I love you Jen."

"I love you Jen."

"And I'm sorry for being a dumbass."

He raised a brow.

"Say it."

"And I am sorry for. . . being a dumbass."

"Now, let me kiss you. My way."

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_

_**This took me three days to write. I'm proud of how it all came out and can't wait to see where the rest of the story takes me. I didn't mean for it to be so dramatic and heavy-handed, but I like to think of it as serendipity at work. This chapter was my baby, so I hope you enjoyed reading it just as much as I enjoyed writing it.**_


	7. Chapter 7

_**A Star Trek Fanfiction**_

_**I Wanted Him**_

_**Chapter Seven:**_

_**To Forget Me**_

* * *

There was tension in the air and it centered around three people. After leaving the planet and resuming their normal duties, there it has been. Jen discontinued with the sessions, having permanently solved her problem and Andrea made no move to state otherwise. In fact, she was friendly in that regard and asked that they remained friends throughout their voyage. From the outside looking in, you could say that it was mere longing that hung in the air. An intense wanting for something that you could no longer have. A longing, like a school girl crush, would wear away with time.

Jen and Spock rarely left eachother's side now, much to the chagrin of the Doctor, who had to endure their displays of affection. It was apparently a bet among the crew how long it would take for them to hook up; irony that Nyota ended up winning the pot, part played in the whole thing notwithstanding.

"So when's the wedding?"

"By Vulcan standards, our bond is consummated. As to a formal display, we plan to have a ceremony at the end of our voyage."

"Damn." Sulu muttered, "That's no fair Uhura. You know him too well."

She smirked, "Fair is fair. I win again."

"You guys are the best crew I could ask for." Jen rolled her eyes, "Don't you people have anything better to do?"

Sulu thought about it, "No, not really. Chekov?"

"Nyet. Uhura?"

"A few things. At the moment? Nope."

The Captain grinned, "I hate you all."

"Does that statement extend to me as well?"

"I hate you most of all Spock. In fact, I hate you so much I could spend all night showing you."

The whole crew laughed out loud as Spock's ears took on a rather vibrant shade of green.

. . .

"Ah, Dr. McCoy, what can I do for you?"

"I wanted to speak to you on a matter dealing with the Captain."

"Alright, come in."

Andrea directed him to her sitting area, noting the way he watched her. When they were properly seated, he cut immediately to the chase.

"I've been going over Jen's cerebral scans and something doesn't seem to add up. The months before she attended your meetings they were within the normal ranges she normally displayed. During the sessions, she had an spike in activity, in the areas that have no relation to each other. Now those candles you've given to her-"

"In no way affect the workings of the mind Dr. I can assure you of that. They are meant to calm the body in a state that anything affecting the person is brought to light. I am to understand that intense stress upon someone can cause such changes in the body. The human anatomy is a very complex thing."

"Yes, I understand all of that, but it just seems too strange to have something like this happen now. Jen has been through worse things."

"Ah, but the mind of a female is tricky waters to navigate. Don't let it bother you too much. I can assure you if there's a problem, Spock will be the first one to find it. They are bondmates after all."

"Yes. . . and how do you feel about all of this?"

"In all honesty, I'm fine with the situation. Jen is happy and they are in love; what more can one ask for?"

Bones examined her facial features carefully, "Are you absolutely-"

"I thought we were here do discuss the well-being of the Captain? I appreciate your concern, but everything is fine, I assure you."

Everything was more than fine, now that she knew what she had to do. While out, Andrea snuck into Jen's room and placed a dish of liquid in the room and set the temperature a few degrees higher than normal. At this setting, the liquid would evaporate and saturate the room. By the time she would come back, she wouldn't stand a chance. She could only call upon luck that Spock would not follow. Testing the bond between the two was risky enough.

With a smile, she quietly left the room and headed off to get some lunch. On the way, she coincidentally met up with the bane of her existence. Too much in a good mood, she spared a smile and continued on her way, glorifying in his mildly confused expression.

. . .

After conversing with the Venusians from Aros and working out negotiations for possible Federation Alignment, Jen was glad to see that her shift was over. Yawning, she saw to it that the crew was in perfect working condition and that the rest of the crew had their orders. Leaving Spock in change, she stalked off to her room for some well deserved sleep.

Everything had gone so smooth, too smooth since the emotional blowup on Aros. Karma must have taken a vacation as well for her to be with the man of her obsession and on good, if not platonic terms with the woman she once thought as her rival. Even more startling, she was also on good terms with a woman she was actually growing to love. If she didn't know any better, she could have sworn something was missing from the picture.

When she entered the room, a sickeningly sweet smell hit her face. It had the scent of burning jasmine and cinnamon and seemed to consume her in its potency. As the scent brought her to her knees, she began to experience the sensation of falling, falling into a dark place she was fearful she would never return from.

. . .

_Jen, I've told you so many times to come home when I tell you to. Is it so hard to listen to simple intructions?_

_Mom, you're never home, so why should it matter? I come back home alive._

_Don't take that tone with me young lady. Unlike you, I'm working to keep a roof over your ungrateful head. And it wouldn't hurt to show Charles some respect._

_That asshole can phase himself._

_That's it. Get out. Until I feel that you've learned some control, stay out of the house._

_Gladly. Keep your deadbeat husband and go back to space. Sometimes I wish it was me that died and not dad. Maybe then you'd give a damn-_

_What did you say?_

_You heard me._

_How dare you- I work my ass off just for you and you-_

_Noone told you to give birth to me mom! Nobody told me you had to! So leave me the hell alone!_

_Jennafer . . . _

_Go back to space and do what you always do. Call me sometimes just because Charlie tattled on me. Chew me out when you get home then throw me out when you get testy. I don't care!_

_I'm sorry-_

_I am too mom. I'm sorry. I'm so goddamned sorry I can't stand it._

_. . . _

_Where the hell are you going?_

_None of your business._

_Well I hope you stay gone or find a job. How the hell two officers have such a worthless bitch is beyond me._

_As opposed to the worthless bastard imprinting the couch with his gigantic ass?_

_Don't you sass me brat._

_I'll do what I want._

_I've seen proof of that. Just about how many guys have you brought into this house this week. You're a bigger whore than my mother ever was._

_Fuck you._

_No thanks. . . Bitch!_

_The next time I'll aim at your head. With a sharper knife._

_. . . _

_I'm glad you decided to join me Jen._

_Don't flatter yourself, it was the lesser of two evils._

_. . . can I walk you to class?_

_How school boy of you._

_. . . is that Cameron walking around with low-class trash. . . ?_

_. . . I know her. . . she's that tramp my brother picked up in a bar. . . _

_. . . I heard she'll do girls too. . . _

_Ignore them Jen._

_Why should I? It's true, and not doing you any favors to be seen with me._

_They don't know what I know._

_Does it matter?_

_It does to me._

_. . . _

_Jen, are you okay?_

_. . . don't. . . ask. . . ._

_I just got assigned to the Orion. When everything calms down, I'll message you. Bummer you had to be suspended._

_. . . don't . . .count me out just. . . yet. . ._

_Okay. When you get settled, call me okay?_

_. . . promise. . ._

_As much as this warms my heart, we got to move quickly._

_. . . take care of my girl Bones. . . _

_. . . _

"What's wrong with the Captain?"

"I'm trying to find out. Come on Jen, snap out it!"

"Doctor McCoy, what happened?"

Spock knew something was wrong the moment he felt their bond close off. It wasn't too long afterward that screaming was heard and he rushed to her quarters with the speed of a madman. He found his Captain and lover in the throes of hysteria on her floor. As he called for help, he tried to reach out to her. Whatever claimed her was a powerful force and quickly drove him out.

"I don't know. Hold onto her Spock while I try to sedate her."

It was a painful thing to hold her down as she continued to scream. No matter how many times he tried to calm her down or call to her bond, he went unheard. What was happening to her?

. . .

"We've got her stable for now, but her brain activity is off the charts. It's possible that whatever's affected her before has now reached it's peak."

"Before?"

"I've noticed an abnormality with her cerebral scans for some time now. After investigating every possible cause for the condition, this happens. I'll call in the Councilor and-"

"How will Seran's presence benefit the Captain?"

"I want to ask her about her regimental treatment of Jen's depression. I want to know if there's any way that those candles-"

"Candles?"

"Aromatherapy she told me it was. A bunch of nonsense to me, but it seemed to work wonders for Jen. I want an extensive study on the composition of those candles so we can rule out any opposing effects. It just as well could be anything else picked up from Aros, but I want to cover all of my bases."

Spock was out before he finished the sentence.

He was well aware of the sessions from before and bent upon finding out the true extent of her counseling. When he searched her room, he came up empty. His next stop was at Seran's office. She wasn't there.

. . .

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Intense huh? This chapter took me about two days get down on Word. I'm pretty satisfied as to how well it's going and am actually planning out another story to get started on. Of course, I now know that it's better to give my full attention to the task at hand and keep others in waiting until ready. Makes for better stories in my opinion. So I hope you enjoy the chapters, because I enjoy writing them. Thanks for reading! **_


	8. To Listen To Me

_**A Star Trek Fanfiction**_

_**I Wanted Him**_

_**Chapter Eight:**_

_**To Listen To Me**_

* * *

Jen felt herself wander in and out of consciousness amidst bright lights and whispers. She couldn't move her limbs and her mouth was dry and chapped. Whenever she tried to speak, no sounds would emerge. Whenever she tried to reach out to her mate, there was no response. There was merely light and silence; horrible silence.

Was this what hell was like?

As opposed to anything else, this was a reprieve. She knew what thrived in the darkness. All of the memories and experiences she thought she long buried. All of the dirty little secrets she thought she buried. The past she tried to paint over with more noble colors. . . swarming her mind like a pack of angry bees.

Was this what hell was like?

. . .

_**Jen, do you know how long you've been here?**_

_No . . ._

_**You've been stuck in limbo for a while now. . . are you ready to come back to us? Come back to me?**_

_To you?_

_**I've never stopped loving you Jennafer. Every moment I've glimpsed your smile or witnessed your camaraderie with the crew, it's been a gift. And I am not accustomed to sharing.**_

_. . . you put me here._

_**For your own well-being my dear. It is not to hurt you; on the contrary. I wanted to protect you and have you for my own. You see, very rarely has any conquest held my attention for long; there have been many before you. When I finally come into the presence of the Captain of the Enterprise, it was then that I knew I could never lose you.**_

_This makes no sense._

_**In time it shall. I have come to care for you in many respects. You are my most precious possession, and as I have said; I am not accustomed to sharing. You are the exception; the special one. One could say that I. . . love you. Perhaps that is true. In time I shall come to know.**_

_Andrea. . . _

_**Because of you I have chosen to keep the outer appearance of a woman. After observing you and the way you command your ship, I have come to see femininity for the tool it is. So many more avenues left to explore and examine.**_

_. . . You're sick._

_**No. . . I was just born differently. Not just in body, but in mentality. One could say that I am the next evolution of Betazoid physiology. Openness can be a gift dear Captain, but one's secrets are treasures best kept to the heart.**_

_Why are you doing this to me?_

_**. . . Because I want you to stop lying to yourself. Embrace yourself and the truths that come with it. Your past will never change, nor will it ever leave you, so stop running. There is no shame but the shame you bestow upon yourself. The only reason you run is because you are afraid of being judged and ridiculed. By your peers, your superiors, and by your lover. Spock wouldn't be so keen to bed a reformed whore, so you pretend to be something else.**_

_Shut up._

_**I have never judged you. I have never given you any cause to hide or be ashamed.**_

_You're a therapist._

_**I am also woman, and a man, with desires, feelings, and drives.**_

_You're a fucking monster._

* * *

"I've scanned her body for every foreign substance known to science and have still found nothing. Time is not on our side." Bones monitored all scans, "Her cerebral activity is still erratic and her heartbeat's increased."

"Tests have been run on every sample Councilor Seran has dug out and there's nothing that would lead to this type of malady," commented an assistant, "All controlled experiments have come up negative."

"How can we be certain that any and all incriminating evidence hasn't been disposed of?"

"Seran has been forthcoming will all research and clinical references referring to her methods. She hasn't made any moves to abandon ship or the like. In fact, she often comes to visit. . ." the assistant wilted beneath the Vulcan's gaze and hurried off, "I'll go check on the new test results."

"Spock, rather than scare the hell out of my staff with your death glares, go find some other room to haunt. Preferably one ten spaces from mine."

"Dr. McCoy-" Spock paused mid-sentence, seemingly lost in thought, "If you will excuse me."

"Gladly."

* * *

He made a beeline for the Captain's room, tricorder in hand, and began to scan. This has been done on numerous occasions, but something told him that there was something here he wasn't seeing. He circled the room, went over it at every angle, and examined every surface. When his sense of sight failed him, he touched and, hell, even smelled intensely at the air. There was a hint of the candles that burned long before, but nothing more. In essence, the same thing that-

_Spock!_

He was brought to his knees at the strange sensation, and shaken by the voice. The room began to spin at a lazy cycle and drown him within still waters. Nonetheless, he could still hear amidst the cacophony, her calling out to him.

_. . . Spock. . . _

_Jen._

_I can't get out of here. . . why didn't you come sooner for me?_

_Our bond has been compromised. Your body and mind-_

_She did this to me. Spock, listen! Do not trust her! Find her and make her-_

The bond was severed, just like that. The same power that forced him away from Jen before was active now.

. . .

Andrea sat at Jen's side as she lay comatose, running her fingers through her hair and whispering softly to her. She contentedly rummaged through all the darkness and shame the Captain had hidden away from the world, gauging her fears and weak points, running commentary on note-worthy actions when the mood struck her. In some odd, twisted way, it made her feel a bit better to see the dark side of such a bright personality. A comfort to know that lesser souls with lesser sins were not so condemnable.

"I thought I told you to- Spock!"

She could feel anger and hatred radiating off of him with intensity. Before she could turn to address him, an iron hand closed tightly about her throat. Shocked and fearful, she tried to pry him off without success; her screams were caught in her chest and her legs uselessly flailed about. Effortlessly, he yanked her off the ground and slammed her onto a neighboring examination table and proceeded to forcibly meld minds with her. Members of the staff tried to remove him, but there was no competition against Vulcan strength or wrath.

"Release me!"

"Silence!" he barked menacingly, forcing his influence upon her mind without abandon, "And reveal your deception for what it is!"

It was a full-on assault against her senses and she was powerless to shield herself. Barriers fell like broken glass, revealing her world. . .her memories. . .her dreams. . . He rifled through them as if they were mere playthings, tossing every other useless bit aside without a care. It was as if he were raiding her home; overturning tables, ripping down pictures, and tossing over shelves just for the hell of it.

"Stop it!"

"Spock, what the hell are you doing!" Dr. McCoy knew better than to match manpower, but couldn't stay silent, "You could mentally damage her!"

"My concern is with the damage she has done to the Captain!"

He went through her studies at the Academy and her countless manipulations of the professors to gain information. Her dalliances with students and her tamperings with relationships and alliances. Then there were her fantasies of being the best, or dethroning the best. Seeing just how far she could manipulate and deceive.

And then he came across the face of Jennafer T. Kirk.

"Get off of me!" she screeched, clawing at him furiously, "Get away!"

With more force than necessary he ripped down the walls of her guard and exposed the object of his search, confirming that his distrust was well founded. Her screams of agony went unheard.

The candles spiked with a special chemical only sold on the black market. The visions and sensations that Jen felt and how they really disguised a weakening point in her psi energy. The plan to meld with her and create an artificial bond of which Jen could never escape. The experimental, concentrated liquid that telepathically crippled Jen. . .

She could feel the hand still about her throat tightening with anger . . . and then. . . she could feel nothing. The most wonderful feeling of nothingness. . . nothing mattered . . . nothing. . .

"I'll. . . kill her. . ."

It took all of his control, control he supposedly long honed as a boy, to release her. Rage still ran strong in his blood, but he would control himself for now. If it meant that no harm would come to her, his Jen, he would comply.

"What the hell. . . Councilor?"

She coughed, rubbing her throbbing, red neck while clutching her ringing head. The wonderful euphoria was replaced with mind-numbing pain, aching with an intensity that refused to quit. "You've heard me correctly. I have done this, but only as a last resort. The Enterprise proved to be an extensive challenge for me; I am grateful for that. One could say that in this match . . . I have been horribly bested."

"Why?" asked Bones incredulously, "Are you a traitor or spy."

She had to laugh at that, even though it hurt her to do so. "Neither. I am a being all on my own, and merely find sport in what can be manipulated or lead astray. I must say that I have erred in this particular game; I didn't plan on investing so much, and I didn't plan upon being so involved."

"What have you done to her?"

"It is a complex mix of chemicals and herbs, something that stimulated the mind and leaves it open for inquiry. You see, I had to make it receptive to my advances, she would be easier to lead that way. However, I did not count on you to impede my progress. It was then that I had to take more desperate measures to make her mine."

"You bitch." the Doctor looked toward Jen, "You could have done irreversible harm."

"And so if I had? You've caught me. The game is over. I am not too proud to say that I have lost the battle." leaning back on the table, she took in slow breaths to try and calm her aching head. The world was spinning about her and the voices beyond were garbled and distorted, "I really did care for her. In some respects you could have called it love. In the end however. . .the game will always have my heart."

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_

_**I'm starting to wonder myself if I really feel sorry for my OC. In some respects she's difficult to write for. Anyway, the story is quickly coming to a close and I'm starting to feel the itch for a new story. Of course, by the time I post this, it will be well past done, as I am on spring break and my home has no internet. Of course, that means completed story for you readers and some down time for me. :)**_


	9. To Save Me

_**A Star Trek Fanfiction**_

_**I Wanted Him**_

_**Chapter Nine:**_

_**To Save Me**_

_**

* * *

**_

She wasn't entirely sure why she was there. One could say there was curiosity. One could say she wanted to see what a sleeper enemy looked like. All she could say was that she wasn't certain, but she couldn't deny the opportunity and chose to take it.

Upon entering the room, the woman looked up at her as if she expected her. She was restrained within a force field and surrounded by security. Despite all of this, she gave a smile, a deliriously sweet smile that set her ill at ease. Her hair was a wild halo of red about her face, her clothes were rumpled, and deep bruises were apparent still on her face and neck. She looked like hell.

"Nyota Uhura."

"Councilor."

"You don't waste any time."

"One could say that about you as well."

She chuckled, "True. I could say, however, that had I been at odds with you, the battle would have been swiftly won."

"Are you trying to antagonize me?"

". . . I find it so curious. Your love for Spock was supposedly true, and yet you give him away so easily. Had you been content, he would have remained at your side."

"You've never been in love have you? Do you even understand what it is to like someone?"

"Oh my, are you going to give me the love-will-conquer-all speech?"

"I wouldn't waste my time. It may have seemed easy on the surface, even careless of me to have "given him away", but what good would it have done us? That instant connection is one chance in a lifetime; the moment I felt his attraction for me waver and doubts emerge, sure I could have fought it, but to what end?"

"So you admit you have no fight in you?"

"What is your obsession with fighting? What is it about being at odds with others that makes it worth the trouble?"

It was then that Andrea's expression went blank. Her eyes went a little unfocused and she shrunk within herself, looking a little forlorn, like a frightened child.

"How else can a woman, or a being less than a man, prove their power? How else are we to test that power and reach our goals; prove our worth to the world. Respect is key."

"So you gain respect by destroying others?"

"If they become obstacles or are the obstacle. . ."

Andrea closed her eyes, wincing at a sharp pain at her crown. Without another word or a glance her way, she stretched out over what room she had and, in seconds, quickly drifted off to sleep.

Uhura looked over to the guards, "How often does she sleep like that?"

"Hours at a time. If she's not sleeping, she's muttering incoherently or in hysteria. Dr. McCoy chalks it up to the altercation between her and First Officer Spock. Every so often her words are understandable."

"You think you've won. . ."

Everyone snapped their attention back to Andrea, who did not turn back to them, but seemed to mutterh in her sleep, a few more incoherent words passing her lips before she quieted. . .

* * *

"This is a complex chemical made with materials you couldn't find just anywhere. Some of the compounds look to be homemade. Coming up with a cure is the thing; there is really nothing to cure. The effects of the liquid are mental; the harm itself came from Seran." Bones rubbed his face in frustration, "The only way to reverse this is to pull Jen out of it."

"I have attempted that on numerous occasions; the influence over her is-"

"Try again dammit! You did it when you got the substance on your hands. What if you used this sample we swabbed from Andrea's hands to do it again? It's minimal and may not work, so you'll have to put in an extra effort."

"Seran is in a questionable state. . . despite this, she could still drive me out or do extensive harm." he looked toward his mate with all the affection he'd come to know. "Make sure that the councilor is monitored and that the Captain is stabilized."

. . .

The moment he placed his tips on her psi points, the sensation of falling was profound as he plummeted headfirst into darkness. The echoes of the mind were hushed and seemed to come from nowhere; a void of which there was no up or down.

_**You of which value all that is orderly and logical know nothing of a woman's heart.**_

Seran.

_**Is your precious Captain really your desire. . . a wild child, rebellious and unpredictable. Would you want her if you saw all the things she tried to hard to wash away?**_

Almost instantly, a scene trickled into place before him; a cluttered little room in a Terran home. About him were stuffed animals long forgotten and pale pink walls papered over with drawings, posters, and trinkets. A tiny bookshelf spilled over with books and the desk lamp that once stood on top was now a shattered heap in front of the door.

_Are you here to yell at me too?_

He quickly turned to the sound, eyes dropping down to a little blonde girl with messy bangs, a dusty little face, and accusing crystal eyes. She was poised to jump out of her window with one of her legs pitched out over the frame, waiting for an answer.

"Captain, what are you doing?"

The small child looked out of the window, looked back at him, sighed in exasperation before coming back into the room. She sat on her unmade bed Indian style and implored Spock to do the same, patting the spot beside her insistently. When he was settled, she looked him straight in the eyes with all the seriousness a young child possessed.

_Are you going to yell at me? I know it was a stupid, but I was bored. That asshole wouldn't let me go out and play, so I took the car._

Spock eyed the child quizzically, not sure of what to make of this information. Still, the child looked him dead in the eyes, as if expecting something. When he said nothing, she continued.

_Mom married him. When he moved in, he stopped letting me go play. He stopped letting me do anything. _

The wind blew gently against tattered lace curtains. An innocent enough gesture . . . if there wasn't panic in the young Jen's eyes.

_Damn, no time. Follow after me, and hurry. There are a lot of things you have to see. A lot of things I can't hide anymore. . . _

Still puzzled, Spock complied nonetheless and followed the child out of the window. The moment his feet hit solid ground, he was once again in the dark space.

"What is this?"

_**You don't recognize these places do you . . . ? . . . pity. . .**_

This world came into view in a haze of smoke. He now stood in a dark space somewhere in a city amongst dank smells and debris. All was quiet and sound except for two voices whispering excitedly to one another a few feet away from him. Curious, he walked toward them until the faces came clearly into view; a boy and a girl.

The boy was dressed in a dark jacket and jeans with his hair slicked back. He scowled at Spock, clenching his teeth and slowly backing away. The girl was clad similarly in a clingy, dark jacket with form-fitting dark wash jeans and a blunt, yet flattering haircut. Turmoil ran rampant in her facial features, but like before, her eyes focused dead center on his.

_Shit, Starfleet officer. You coming or not Jenny? I'm not sticking around for this._

_I'm coming. Just give me five minutes._

The boy looked him up and down before retreating, _You've got three._

She rolled her eyes, _Whatever._

"What is this?" he asked again, "Are these your memories?"

_Nice to know you're catching on quick. Look, I don't have a lot of time, so I'll just get to the point; I'm going away for a while. My mom's going to get pissed and send the fucking government after me if she has to._

"Why-"

_The asshole is still there, and he's never going to leave; I can tell. So I have to get away for a while._

_Three minutes Jenny!_

_I'm coming goddammit!_

She turned back to Spock with the same expectant look in her eyes. Only this time it was with more urgency. He wasn't sure exactly what he was to do, but decided to go with instinct and place his thoughts within the matter.

"Why not explain to your mother the conflict? Running away resolves nothing and only reinforces your stepfather's statements, regardless of them being ill-founded."

For the first time in what seems a long time, she smiled. Though it was prepubescent, he knew that gesture to be genuine Jen.

_Thank you . . . because it's easier you know. Running away from the problems. . . . _

His thoughts brought him back to the day he decided to join Starfleet. It was easier to run away from the discrimination rather than endure it.

The wind blew a little harder this time, but there it was yet again. Grasping his hand, Jen ran toward the opening of the alley way space. The moment moonlight touched his face, he was back within the dark space; the in-between of memories.

He understood now, or as much as he was going to. These memories were never shared between them, no matter how close they came to be. These moments were the shameful parts of the Captain's past. Moments he was forced to see, that Jen was forced to show, because of Andrea.

There was no narration, no taunting, just laughter. Loud, evil, sick laughter that made him uneasy about what he was about to encounter next.

Slowly, everything came into view like rain; colors and sounds dropping into their proper places. He was in a bar now, a rowdy one with smoke infested air and cackling laughter. People and beings of all shapes and sizes occupied the space, drinking whatever they pleased and being as loud as virtually possible.

Shuffling through the bodies he scanned for blonde. Out of all the cheap synthetics, atrocious colors, and untamed manes, he found a long curtain of that perfect blonde. . . . underneath a bear of a man in the center of a rundown pool table.

* * *

_**Author's Notes:**_

_**I'm getting the feeling that maybe I have too many chapters. I'm not sure. The thought just occurred to me. Anyway . . . my Spring Break is over and now midterms are breathing down my neck. So there may not be another chapter for a few days. I think I've given you all plenty to chew on so . . . :)**_

_**Author's Note 2:**_

_**I am so late putting these things up, it's sad. I've been going through a period of feeling down for days now, so the chapters may be hella slow. Forgive me please. I promise I will have another up as soon as possible. Thank you for the reviews, they are much appreciated.**_


	10. To Hold Me

_**A Star Trek Fanfiction**_

_**He Wanted Me**_

_**Chapter Ten:**_

_**To Hold Me**_

* * *

Shock.

Revulsion.

Rage.

Strong emotions that slammed into his gut with the force of adrenaline-pumped football player uninterested in mercy.

Before he had a chance to recover from this sight, the world began to shift as if it were a home video. And she was the star. Night after rowdy night, he watched her service strangers in a drunken stupor, consuming alcohol as if it were air, and stumbling home to yelling and screaming. In a matter of moments he witnessed the darkness of her later years; the bar brawls, assaults, dangers, pain . . . and love lost.

He saw her love for this boy, this boy who rushed off to fight the good fight with all the enthusiasm of youth and never returned. He felt her pain as if he were his lover, her pain as his; her anguish and fear as if he were the one left alone in the world.

She was no pure angel. She willingly gave her body to the filth of the world time and time again without abandon. She defiled her system with toxins and placed herself in careless situations. She was loud, stubborn, and insisted upon things her way without any regard as to how it would affect her in the long run. She blatantly charged into the unknown solid plans to break her fall. She was dangerous to place in any position of leadership and irresponsible to say the least.

Still.

Though she wore revealing garments befitting a woman of compensation, though she bore the perspiration of another man upon her skin, she was Jen. Though she ran away from home and tore down walls to make her own way, she was Jen. Though she was the most dangerous Terran being to be around if you desired a sure chance at life, she was Jen.

His Jen.

Unsure of how this was to end, he reached out into the now darkened space and called out to her. Not as a officer of rank, but as a woman. As his mate for years to come.

At once, like a floodgate, all the emotions and senses from their time apart poured through their bond like water after a long bout of dryness. Filled with light only she could provide, he could only submit to it as he felt a pleasant weight settle into his arms. Pale, perfect skin. Perfect blonde. Perfect eyes like crystal and sky.

Jennafer.

* * *

She could feel nothing but the deepest shame at her past crimes, and yet she could not look away from that face or pull away from that bond.

"Spock-"

"You are mine. Despite past transgressions, you are in my possession, and I will not allow you to ever depart from my side again."

"How-"

"It is finished."

"But-"

"Finished."

She bit her lip, unable to contain the insane happiness within her. So powerful was her relief and joy that her radiance seeped into her lover, visible in form of flushed cheeks and the hint of a small smile only she alone knew.

* * *

She watched them from a distance, watching their eyes and lips move in speech. She watched them embrace . . . connecting souls and mending the broken.

She watched them with a certain heaviness within . . . something akin to heartache, though it was too faint to be sure.

She'd been bested. Despite pulling off all the tricks of the trade, she'd been conquered and knew it was in her best interest that she bowed out gracefully.

It was a strange thing it itself that she began to care for the blonde. She was everything a lady was not, and yet she had this charming air you couldn't ignore. Everything she never was as a betazoid. Maybe that's what she was searching for . . . but the time has passed for speculation. The game was over, for now and for forever. A shame really.

* * *

Andrea was sent back to her home planet and her parents were not the least surprised. After a frigid thank you and a promise of the utmost secrecy, she was put away and never thought of again; at least by them.

Jen resumed her duties as Captain of the Enterprise and slowly regained full trust and control of her vessel and crew. With her First Officer never leaving her side and the good doctor on her case every other minute, there was no room for concern. Jennafer Kirk was home again.

"I think we can manage fine without another counselor. If anyone has a personal problem, get a drink and suck it up."

Spock raised a brow, causing Jen to sigh and slump in her chair. Ever since he peered into her mind he's been strict about her drinking. As they are linked, she couldn't lie to him, so it made downtime a real downer for her. After some heavy persuasion, she was allowed one drink a week, much to Scotty's amusement.

Uhura chuckled, "Only you can attract the weirdos Captain. I'm starting to think that eighty-five percent of the chaos aboard this ship involves you."

"Only eighty-five?" Sulu laughed out loud at Jen's death glare, "Andrea must have done you some good though; you've been chewing on those celery sticks for a while after the incident."

It was true. After everything that happened, the many tests she was placed through by Bones, and weeks of catching up with everything she missed, she started on a health binge. If it wasn't celery, it was tomatoes or carrots or anything else she once looked upon in disdain. She thought it was Vulcan practicality rubbing off on her; hell, it even kept her from drinking.

"Maybe, but let's not dwell on that. Set coordinates for some place not here. I need something to do."

"Didn't you just "do" something thirty minutes ago?"

". . . . . shut up Sulu."

Starfleet received the report and, out of respect of her parents, handled it with privacy and reinforced the psychiatric screening for new cadets. After declining another candidate for a counselor they were ordered to be useful and investigate a sparsely populated area of space and commune with the colonies present there.

In other words, grunt work that even _she _couldn't screw up.

But then again, her name _was _Jennafer.

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Wow . . . that was insanely short, but the good news is that I'm back and am ready to work again. Hopefully I'll keep myself out of this funk and do better if not for myself. I'd like to thank a special friend of mine who's been going over my chapters and putting in her opinions. I'll place her suggestions into my next fic in hopes of getting better and more substantial. Last chapter will be coming up late on tomorrow! For those who have stayed with me, thank you!**_


	11. As He Wanted Me

_**A Star Trek Fanfiction**_

_**I Wanted Him**_

_**Epilogue:**_

_**As He Wanted Me**_

* * *

Jen tapped her nails on the table impatiently as she watched the Doctor pace the room and check monitors. She was in for her monthly exam and would have ditched if Spock didn't catch her and forcibly carry her there. What was supposed to be a thirty minute exam turned into a major pain in her ass.

"I'm getting a wedgie just watching you Bones. Can I go now?"

"You'll sit there until I confirm you are in perfect health. We can't afford any more mishaps; especially from you."

"Aren't you a ray of sunshine." huffing, she slumped forward and began to knock her boot-clad feet together, ". . . when was the last time you got laid?"

"Does your mind ever stay out of the gutter?"

"If you think my mind is filthy, you should take a look at Spock's once in a while. One time when we were on the bridge, he decided to show me what he wanted to do to me when-" She managed to dodge his hypo attack, giggling like the mischievous spirit she was, " Ah don't be a prude Bones, it could be worse."

"Worse? Like walking in on the Captain and her First Officer doing inappropriate things on my desk?"

"Well-"

"Or the occasion where an ambassador complained that he couldn't sleep because of being kept awake by the sound of a "tortured animal"?"

"That was-"

"Maybe it would be worse if said officials were locked away for days humping like depraved rabbits in the midst of intergalactic negotiations!"

"Well I'm _sorry _that I have a healthy sex life," Jen rolled her eyes as she chewed on a celery stick, "You're welcome to join if-"

"Dammit Jen!"

All smiles, she hopped off the table and kissed the old man on the cheek, "You worry too much Bones. I'm completely fine. Better than fine to be correct. The Enterprise is up and running, there have been minimal casualties, and we're bringing more planets and species together. Our universal planet is growing."

She winked and departed, heading to the bridge and into the arms of her mate, much to his chagrin.

Some things never changed, not even the Captain.

"Cap-" A stern look made him pause, "Jen, we are within a professional setting."

Jen looked over her crew, "Anybody see anything?"

"Nothing at all." answered Uhura, "Sulu?"

"Other than clear conditions for travel, I see nothing of real concern. Chekov?"

"All visuals are clear Captain."

She grinned, "You see?"

Spock could do nothing but shake his head at her shenanigans and indulge her in a hug and a kiss on the cheek before resuming his duties at his station. It was here amidst the controls that he found a strange object among them. A pale object soft at the touch with a questionable shape. As he examined the foreign object, thoughts and images trickled through the bond. These thoughts weren't anything he'd seen before; something he presumed rectified when trying to revive her. There were no more secrets or hidden shames, but this did not carry the darkness of former thoughts.

Surprise.

Joy.

Pride.

Love.

. . .

Child.

He didn't know how he got her into his arms so quickly or where this bright and vibrant smile seem to emerge from, but it didn't matter. A child. A child from the woman he loved and a new citizen of the colony, regardless of heritage. He was to be a father.

Wait until-

_"Goddamnit Jen!"_

Bones found out.

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_

_**And that ladies and gentlemen, is the end. If it sounds like a cop out, I'm sorry. I deviated far from where I wanted to go and didn't plan on being so bogged down in the middle of it. I do promise that my next story will be worth the wait and not nearly as long to update. Thank you for all of your support and all of those who read! Until next time!**_


End file.
